The desire to achieve outweighs the negatives.

I made the choice to do one post every few days rather than posting every day because it was getting a little bit repetitive. So here is what I have been up to and a little bit of information on my progress.

Enjoy and I hope you do not find it too repetitive or tedious.

__________________________________________________________________________________ 25th: After a restless night’s sleep I woke up at 12pm and laid in bed thinking about what to do with my day. After much pondering I sat up, turned my laptop on and uploaded some photos to Facebook (this surprisingly took me 1 hour to do; there were lots of photos and I had to add captions, dates and so on). Photos uploaded, captioned and tagged I made myself wake up by jumping into the shower. Feeling fresh and awake I proceeded to the kitchen at 1.30pm to do some university work. As I sat at the kitchen table I browsed through some web searches on research paradigms and decided to continue with the tasks set on the previous day (to read around research and to start thinking about what paradigm/methodology will underpin my research). I continued reading until 4pm when I stopped to make myself something to eat. Akin to most afternoons I made myself some toast along with a bowl of salad and a mug of mint hot chocolate. Sat at the table eating my food I became panicky and worried. Why? I honestly do not know; It is a sinking feeling that I get, it is like the books are drowning me and I cannot push myself out of them without being worried. Worried about what? The answer: misinterpreting the information, overcomplicating things and over reading. Whilst I ate I sat staring; Motor spoke to me and talked me around to thinking positively. With a more positive mind set I continued to read… I took a 15 minute break at 6pm…and by 8pm I was making myself poached egg and spaghetti rings on cheesy toast. Reflecting on the day, while I stood waiting for the egg to poach, I felt overly worked and fed up. I am running myself deep into the ground and not letting myself have a break. I cannot go one day without doing work and I think this is becoming detrimental to both my health and to my knowledge acquisition. After I had eaten I came to the conclusion that it was probably reasonable for me to do something unrelated to my research. Thus I opened my laptop and made a photo movie from the photos taken when I went to Rome with my partner; shockingly I was sat at my laptop doing this until 2am. I pulled my out-of-focused eyes away from the screen, packed my books, notepad, pens and laptop away, and proceeded to move myself to my bedroom where I laid in bed watching TV until 4am. I thought about the day I had had while I laid in bed trying to sleep and started to question my ability to do research. Becoming anxious I sat up and started to cry.

I CANNOT DO THIS; I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH; I AM RUBBISH; I DO NOT EVEN KNOW IF I AM READING THE RIGHT THING; I HAVE BEEN DOING THE SAME THING FOR AGES NOW AND I AM GETTING NO WHERE; I CANNOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING; NOTHING I HAVE DONE HAS HELPED ME SO FAR; I NEED ADVICE; I WANT TO QUIT; I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS; MY IDEA IS RUBBISH; I DO NOT KNOW WHAT RESEARCH METHODOLOGY TO USE; I DO NOT SEE A POSITIVE OUTCOME.

By 4.30pm I had stopped crying, I had wiped away my tears and I was laid back in bed with the duvet pulled over me.

I ended the day in a devastating state.

Sad!

__________________________________________________________________________________

26th: I was meant to wake up at 8am to make sure I wasn’t late for my hairdresser’s appointment but I slept through my alarms and work up at 10am. I jumped out of bed and rushed to the shower and by 10.15am I was stood waiting for the bus feeling a little bit annoyed with myself for not waking up when my alarms rang. I wanted to get up earlier to allow time to do some last minute holiday shopping before I went for my hair cutting (I knew that I wouldn’t have time after because I was going to meet my university friends to go for lunch and to the cinema). The bus arrived at the town centre at 10.45am giving me just over half an hour to do my shopping. After rushing around the shops I arrived at the hairdressers at 11.15am (I managed to buy everything on my shopping list, despite the groceries)…45 minutes passed and by 12pm I was speedily making my way to Morrison’s to purchase some groceries. Groceries purchased I swiftly went to the train station, caught the train and made the journey to the cinema. As I stood outside the cinema, waiting for my friends to arrive, an overpowering feeling of guilt was present because I was thinking about the fact that I was going to take most of the day off from doing any university work. I told myself to stop being silly and to enjoy spending some time with my friends. By 5.30pm my friends and I had had some lunch and watched the film ‘the expendables 3’. It was pleasant to have had some time away from the realms of university work, and I had thoroughly enjoyed myself, but by the time I arrived home at 7pm I was sat at the kitchen table doing some university work. Yes, you guessed it, I cannot allow myself to have a day off from doing any work, especially when I am going on holiday for two weeks at the end of the week. 2 hours passed by and I stopped reading at 9pm to make myself something to eat. I felt sick and didn’t want to eat anything but I knew I had to, so I had some salad, toast and a cup of tea, followed by a bowl of fruit. From 10pm onwards I did some reading at a leisurely pace and at midnight I made the move to my bedroom to watch TV. Despite being tired and nauseated I could not get to sleep; I tossed and turned in my bed from 1am for what seemed like hours. At 2am I gave in to the restlessness I sat myself up, grabbed some books and proceeded to read random chapters. I finally put an end to the day at 5am when I drifted off to sleep whilst reading.

Books, Books, Books…

_________________________________________________________________________________

27th: My alarm rang at 8.30am; I pressed the snooze button and fell back to sleep for another hour and half. Instead of my usual ‘shower and then get dressed’ routine I jumped out of bed, brushed my teeth, had a quick wash, got dressed and by 10.15am I was on the bus to town. I had to go to town again to do some more shopping, seen as I forgot to buy some yoghurts, and to take some books back to university; I also had to go back to the hairdressers because she did not cut my fringe to how I like it. After returning the books and purchasing an A3 notepad, an expandable file thing and some yoghurts I made my way to the hairdressers; as I entered the building to the hairdressers I became nervous about going in and having to say that I was not 100% happy with how she had cut it. I even considered turning around but deep down I knew that I would have regretted that decision. There was no need for me to be nervous because she was happy to sort it out for me. Fringe sorted I headed home at about midday. Traffic, Traffic, Traffic… the bus journey felt like a lifetime but at least I had some entertainment in the form of my radio and a newspaper. I arrived home at 1pm and jumped into the shower to wash my hair before doing any university work. The clock read 2pm when I was in the kitchen making myself some lunch (you guessed it… I followed my usual lunch ritual by making some toast, salad and a hot chocolate) and by 2.30pm, after initial worry, I had started doing some university work with the hope that I would do the task set for the day in a competent, successful and joyful manner.

Task for the day: to create a mind map outlining my research methodology identifying sections such as the paradigm, research design, methods and data collection and analysis.

….time passed extremely quickly; I was working happily and before I knew it, it was 6pm. Pens down and kettle on I stood at the kitchen table looking down at the work I had done so far; it did not look like I had done much work but I felt pleased with it regardless (my research paradigm and design had been identified, and I remember thinking to myself ‘I finally understand what ontology and epistemology is; this mind map is giving my research a direction… Fingers crossed it is all ok’).

Mind Map progress (yes I own a lot of pens)

After having a mug of tea and another slice of toast I continued with the mind map in high spirits and in an extremely motivated manner.

8pm called for me to stop working and I proceeded to make myself my evening meal. After deliberating what to cook I concluded on having a baguette with cheese and a salad (it was a huge salad with mixed lettuce leafs, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, raw beetroot, carrot, butternut squash and lots of cheese). As I ate I reflected on the work that I had done and I am pleased to tell you that all my thoughts were positive. I had managed to complete the basic mind map and I was pleasantly surprised with how helpful it was to do.

I made the choice to do some reading on research ethics and on doing a research proposal when I had finished my evening meal (the proposal, as well as the initial search of the literature, is the next thing I have to start to do). Reading was suspended at 11.30pm and by midnight I was upstairs watching TV and painting my nails. 2 hours later I attempted to sleep but failed. I do not know what is wrong with me as of late; I cannot sleep when I try to and my mind never seems to switch of from the university work. I opened a book and read for an hour until I felt my eyes closing.

I ended the day feeling content: I had managed to complete the task set and I had given some form of direction to my research methodology.

Mind Map Complete (with some spaces for additional information)

_________________________________________________________________________________

Today: I’m not going to bore you with my usual morning routine; to sum up I woke up at 11am, got a shower and so on and then proceeded with the day’s tasks. With all the tasks that needed to be finalised before I go on holiday completed I decided to take it easy by setting myself the following tasks: Task 1, clean my bedroom and change my bedding; Task 2, pack everything that I can for my holiday; Task 3, iron any clothes that need ironing; and Task 4, continue to read about ‘doing research’ looking particularly at sampling and ethics. With the first three tasks finished by 3pm, I took myself to the kitchen to do some university work; before I began I had to make myself some food and as I did so I felt hazy and lethargic, and was not really feeling in the mood to do any work. Surprisingly by the time I had finished my food I was more motivated; I reminded myself that I had done the tasks that needed doing before I go on holiday and so there was no need to stress or worry about the work I did, or did not get done by the end of the day. I read at a leisurely pace until 8pm (stopping at 6pm to have a hot chocolate and a slice of toast, and to finish packing for my holiday). After a two-hour break I continued to do some reading until I made the choice to go up to my bedroom to watch a film at 11pm.

Today was not very productive on the university work front and I do not feel like I have used my last day before I go on holiday wisely. I even attempted to find some more secondary data relating to my research topic but that was not very successful and I was left feeling downbeat for a short period of time.

Green=done=progress!

__________________________________________________________________________________

As you can see I have made progress and managed to complete all the tasks that I had set to do before I go on holiday. I have made myself a mind map for my research methodology and I have finally concluded on the paradigm that will underpin my research (an Interpretive/constructivist epistemological paradigm).

My emotions have been up and down, I have had moments of panic, I have questioned by ability and I have even wanted to give up. But I have overcome the negatives and I have finished the week feeling content and ready for the next stages of my dissertation journey. The desire to achieve outweighs the negatives.

I am likely to have strong feelings of guilt while I am on holiday (due to the fact that I will not be doing any university work) but I will try my best to manage with this; I know deep down that I do need to have this break before I go back to university, and you never know it might revitalise me and make me even more determined and motivated.

I will continue with my blog when I get back from my holiday but for now Thank you for reading

All packed and ready to go on holiday…EXCITED!

A day fighting a lost battle with my emotions.

Motivation lacks today. I do not feel like doing any work when I wake up and I waste the majority of my morning procrastinating.

As time passes I begin to think about the time I am wasting and Motor tells me ‘go and get a shower, freshen yourself up and do some work, even if it is only a small amount, at least it is something towards your dissertation’. I respond by dragging my sorrow self to the shower.

Shower complete I sit on my bed contemplating what to do with the rest of my day. It is now 3.30pm and I am sat waiting for a phone call…

Phone call over I make the decision to move downstairs to the kitchen table. It is 4.30pm by the time I am sat with my laptop open ready to set myself today’s task. I deliberate what to do and come to the conclusion that I am not up to doing a lot of work today. My mind is not 100% committed and I know that I will not produce work that is of quality when I feel the way I do right now. Who knows, I might feel more energised and dedicated later but for now I am not going to overwhelm myself with heaps of work. I set myself one main task: think about what research methods are to be used to complete project, in doing this weigh up the pro’s and con’s for all methods (make a note of these).

To start I decide to browse the resources available to me on research methods and methodology to give myself a better understanding. I lift my head away from the laptop and as I look across the kitchen I catch a glimpse of the hot chocolate pouch sat on the worktop. I pull myself out of my chair, walk over to the kettle, flick the switch and pour the hot chocolate powder into my favourite owl mug. As I wait for the kettle to do its job I walk over to the radio and tune it into the station that I like to listen to while I work; I also pop a slice of bread into the toaster.

Hot chocolate and toast made I sit back at the table with a word document open on my laptop. I also place my notepad open to a blank sheet and my Berol® pens to the right hand side of me. Textbooks, web searches and pdfs at the ready, work begins.

Time for a hot chocolate!

I find that I have not completed much work by 6pm but this does not deteriorate me from continuing with the task at hand. I look at the page in front of me and notice that I have created a brainstorm stating key facts about research and what research methodology is, along with a list of primary research methods that can be used. I have a cloud over my head today and everything seems like a bit of a blur in my mind; I cannot get to grips with what it is I am wanting to achieve by the end of the day and I do not feel committed to the task at hand. I feel saddened but I continue regardless.

By 7.15pm I have not made much more progress. I have only noted information regarding questionnaires and the advantages and disadvantages of using them. Why is it taking me so long to get this task done? The answer: because I am not fully committed to doing it, I am finding that it is boring and I am tired.

I leave the kitchen table and walk upstairs. I lie down on my bed and think about how I could make this task more interesting. I feel myself drifting off but Motor shouts at me ‘Do not nap! It will make you feel worse and you will not make any more progress today. You will go into a mood and this will ruin the rest of your evening. Wake yourself up. Have 5 minutes away from the laptop but do not go to sleep’. In response I walk downstairs glumly and sit on the sofa.

5 minutes later, I move myself to the kitchen. My eyes feel heavy and I do not feel able to do this work but I must continue. I am fighting a hard battle.

The clock reaches 8.15pm and I make the choice to stop to make some food. As I progress to make food I feel angered at the little progress I have made so far today and I feel myself becoming teary. Why am I getting like this? This is me being irrational. It is ok to have days like this isn’t it? Motor answers, ‘Yes, you can have days where you take it easy and do less; you will have days where you feel like you are battling against yourself, and you will overcome those days. It is all part of the journey’. I stop myself from becoming an emotional wreck by telling myself to be rational. The fact of the matter is I can always come back to this after I have eaten. The day has not ended yet and even if I do not finish this task today I can come back to it when I feel more willing and able to do so. I knock the sadness out of me as I make something to eat.

At 9.30pm I finish eating and go to the kitchen to clean my plates. As I do this Motor stands by my side making me aware that I can complete the task set today and that I will feel content when I have finished. I listen and relocate my, more joyful, self to the living room. As you may have guessed I am slightly more positive and ready to complete the task set today. I open my notepad up to the pre-prepared pages and challenge myself to finish identifying the pros and cons of all the possible primary research methods.

With Motors reassurance along the way I complete the task by 11.30pm. I sit and look through the work I have completed; there are 6 pages of notes on the varying research methods identifying the pros and cons of each. I can tell you one thing: that task was a long, dull and boring one but one that will come in use when I decide on my research methodology.

Today has shown me that at times through this dissertation journey I will come across difficulties, boring tasks and times of sheer dismay. But surely overcoming these through pure dedication and commitment will only lead to success?

I close all my web searches, pdfs, textbooks and notepad and put an end to today. As I go to bed I feel glum and reflect on the day I have had. Motor assures me that I have made progress and tells me that I should not feel so downbeat about the day I have had.

I give motor a half-hearted smile and go to bed.