Tag Archives: anxious

The desire to achieve outweighs the negatives.

28 Aug

I made the choice to do one post every few days rather than posting every day because it was getting a little bit repetitive. So here is what I have been up to and a little bit of information on my progress.

Enjoy and I hope you do not find it too repetitive or tedious.

__________________________________________________________________________________ 25th: After a restless night’s sleep I woke up at 12pm and laid in bed thinking about what to do with my day. After much pondering I sat up, turned my laptop on and uploaded some photos to Facebook (this surprisingly took me 1 hour to do; there were lots of photos and I had to add captions, dates and so on). Photos uploaded, captioned and tagged I made myself wake up by jumping into the shower. Feeling fresh and awake I proceeded to the kitchen at 1.30pm to do some university work. As I sat at the kitchen table I browsed through some web searches on research paradigms and decided to continue with the tasks set on the previous day (to read around research and to start thinking about what paradigm/methodology will underpin my research). I continued reading until 4pm when I stopped to make myself something to eat. Akin to most afternoons I made myself some toast along with a bowl of salad and a mug of mint hot chocolate. Sat at the table eating my food I became panicky and worried. Why? I honestly do not know; It is a sinking feeling that I get, it is like the books are drowning me and I cannot push myself out of them without being worried. Worried about what? The answer: misinterpreting the information, overcomplicating things and over reading. Whilst I ate I sat staring; Motor spoke to me and talked me around to thinking positively. With a more positive mind set I continued to read… I took a 15 minute break at 6pm…and by 8pm I was making myself poached egg and spaghetti rings on cheesy toast. Reflecting on the day, while I stood waiting for the egg to poach, I felt overly worked and fed up. I am running myself deep into the ground and not letting myself have a break. I cannot go one day without doing work and I think this is becoming detrimental to both my health and to my knowledge acquisition. After I had eaten I came to the conclusion that it was probably reasonable for me to do something unrelated to my research. Thus I opened my laptop and made a photo movie from the photos taken when I went to Rome with my partner; shockingly I was sat at my laptop doing this until 2am. I pulled my out-of-focused eyes away from the screen, packed my books, notepad, pens and laptop away, and proceeded to move myself to my bedroom where I laid in bed watching TV until 4am. I thought about the day I had had while I laid in bed trying to sleep and started to question my ability to do research. Becoming anxious I sat up and started to cry.

I CANNOT DO THIS; I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH; I AM RUBBISH; I DO NOT EVEN KNOW IF I AM READING THE RIGHT THING; I HAVE BEEN DOING THE SAME THING FOR AGES NOW AND I AM GETTING NO WHERE; I CANNOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING; NOTHING I HAVE DONE HAS HELPED ME SO FAR; I NEED ADVICE; I WANT TO QUIT; I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS; MY IDEA IS RUBBISH; I DO NOT KNOW WHAT RESEARCH METHODOLOGY TO USE; I DO NOT SEE A POSITIVE OUTCOME.

By 4.30pm I had stopped crying, I had wiped away my tears and I was laid back in bed with the duvet pulled over me.

I ended the day in a devastating state.

Sad!

Sad!

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26th: I was meant to wake up at 8am to make sure I wasn’t late for my hairdresser’s appointment but I slept through my alarms and work up at 10am. I jumped out of bed and rushed to the shower and by 10.15am I was stood waiting for the bus feeling a little bit annoyed with myself for not waking up when my alarms rang. I wanted to get up earlier to allow time to do some last minute holiday shopping before I went for my hair cutting (I knew that I wouldn’t have time after because I was going to meet my university friends to go for lunch and to the cinema). The bus arrived at the town centre at 10.45am giving me just over half an hour to do my shopping. After rushing around the shops I arrived at the hairdressers at 11.15am (I managed to buy everything on my shopping list, despite the groceries)…45 minutes passed and by 12pm I was speedily making my way to Morrison’s to purchase some groceries. Groceries purchased I swiftly went to the train station, caught the train and made the journey to the cinema. As I stood outside the cinema, waiting for my friends to arrive, an overpowering feeling of guilt was present because I was thinking about the fact that I was going to take most of the day off from doing any university work. I told myself to stop being silly and to enjoy spending some time with my friends. By 5.30pm my friends and I had had some lunch and watched the film ‘the expendables 3’. It was pleasant to have had some time away from the realms of university work, and I had thoroughly enjoyed myself, but by the time I arrived home at 7pm I was sat at the kitchen table doing some university work. Yes, you guessed it, I cannot allow myself to have a day off from doing any work, especially when I am going on holiday for two weeks at the end of the week. 2 hours passed by and I stopped reading at 9pm to make myself something to eat. I felt sick and didn’t want to eat anything but I knew I had to, so I had some salad, toast and a cup of tea, followed by a bowl of fruit. From 10pm onwards I did some reading at a leisurely pace and at midnight I made the move to my bedroom to watch TV. Despite being tired and nauseated I could not get to sleep; I tossed and turned in my bed from 1am for what seemed like hours. At 2am I gave in to the restlessness I sat myself up, grabbed some books and proceeded to read random chapters. I finally put an end to the day at 5am when I drifted off to sleep whilst reading.

Books, Books, Books...

Books, Books, Books…

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27th: My alarm rang at 8.30am; I pressed the snooze button and fell back to sleep for another hour and half. Instead of my usual ‘shower and then get dressed’ routine I jumped out of bed, brushed my teeth, had a quick wash, got dressed and by 10.15am I was on the bus to town. I had to go to town again to do some more shopping, seen as I forgot to buy some yoghurts, and to take some books back to university; I also had to go back to the hairdressers because she did not cut my fringe to how I like it. After returning the books and purchasing an A3 notepad, an expandable file thing and some yoghurts I made my way to the hairdressers; as I entered the building to the hairdressers I became nervous about going in and having to say that I was not 100% happy with how she had cut it. I even considered turning around but deep down I knew that I would have regretted that decision. There was no need for me to be nervous because she was happy to sort it out for me. Fringe sorted I headed home at about midday. Traffic, Traffic, Traffic… the bus journey felt like a lifetime but at least I had some entertainment in the form of my radio and a newspaper. I arrived home at 1pm and jumped into the shower to wash my hair before doing any university work. The clock read 2pm when I was in the kitchen making myself some lunch (you guessed it… I followed my usual lunch ritual by making some toast, salad and a hot chocolate) and by 2.30pm, after initial worry, I had started doing some university work with the hope that I would do the task set for the day in a competent, successful and joyful manner.

Task for the day: to create a mind map outlining my research methodology identifying sections such as the paradigm, research design, methods and data collection and analysis.

….time passed extremely quickly; I was working happily and before I knew it, it was 6pm. Pens down and kettle on I stood at the kitchen table looking down at the work I had done so far; it did not look like I had done much work but I felt pleased with it regardless (my research paradigm and design had been identified, and I remember thinking to myself ‘I finally understand what ontology and epistemology is; this mind map is giving my research a direction… Fingers crossed it is all ok’).

mind map

Mind Map progress (yes I own a lot of pens)

After having a mug of tea and another slice of toast I continued with the mind map in high spirits and in an extremely motivated manner.

8pm called for me to stop working and I proceeded to make myself my evening meal. After deliberating what to cook I concluded on having a baguette with cheese and a salad (it was a huge salad with mixed lettuce leafs, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, raw beetroot, carrot, butternut squash and lots of cheese). As I ate I reflected on the work that I had done and I am pleased to tell you that all my thoughts were positive. I had managed to complete the basic mind map and I was pleasantly surprised with how helpful it was to do.

I made the choice to do some reading on research ethics and on doing a research proposal when I had finished my evening meal (the proposal, as well as the initial search of the literature, is the next thing I have to start to do). Reading was suspended at 11.30pm and by midnight I was upstairs watching TV and painting my nails. 2 hours later I attempted to sleep but failed. I do not know what is wrong with me as of late; I cannot sleep when I try to and my mind never seems to switch of from the university work. I opened a book and read for an hour until I felt my eyes closing.

I ended the day feeling content: I had managed to complete the task set and I had given some form of direction to my research methodology.

Mind Map Complete (with some spaces for additional information)

Mind Map Complete (with some spaces for additional information)

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Today: I’m not going to bore you with my usual morning routine; to sum up I woke up at 11am, got a shower and so on and then proceeded with the day’s tasks. With all the tasks that needed to be finalised before I go on holiday completed I decided to take it easy by setting myself the following tasks: Task 1, clean my bedroom and change my bedding; Task 2, pack everything that I can for my holiday; Task 3, iron any clothes that need ironing; and Task 4, continue to read about ‘doing research’ looking particularly at sampling and ethics. With the first three tasks finished by 3pm, I took myself to the kitchen to do some university work; before I began I had to make myself some food and as I did so I felt hazy and lethargic, and was not really feeling in the mood to do any work. Surprisingly by the time I had finished my food I was more motivated; I reminded myself that I had done the tasks that needed doing before I go on holiday and so there was no need to stress or worry about the work I did, or did not get done by the end of the day. I read at a leisurely pace until 8pm (stopping at 6pm to have a hot chocolate and a slice of toast, and to finish packing for my holiday). After a two-hour break I continued to do some reading until I made the choice to go up to my bedroom to watch a film at 11pm.

Today was not very productive on the university work front and I do not feel like I have used my last day before I go on holiday wisely. I even attempted to find some more secondary data relating to my research topic but that was not very successful and I was left feeling downbeat for a short period of time.

Green=done=progress!

Green=done=progress!

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As you can see I have made progress and managed to complete all the tasks that I had set to do before I go on holiday. I have made myself a mind map for my research methodology and I have finally concluded on the paradigm that will underpin my research (an Interpretive/constructivist epistemological paradigm).

My emotions have been up and down, I have had moments of panic, I have questioned by ability and I have even wanted to give up. But I have overcome the negatives and I have finished the week feeling content and ready for the next stages of my dissertation journey. The desire to achieve outweighs the negatives.

I am likely to have strong feelings of guilt while I am on holiday (due to the fact that I will not be doing any university work) but I will try my best to manage with this; I know deep down that I do need to have this break before I go back to university, and you never know it might revitalise me and make me even more determined and motivated.

I will continue with my blog when I get back from my holiday but for now Thank you for reading

All packed and ready to go on holiday...EXCITED!

All packed and ready to go on holiday…EXCITED!

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Exhaustion lingers and progress is prohibited.

20 Aug

 

This was meant to be uploaded yesterday so apologies for the delay. I have only just realised that I forgot to press publish. I have not changed the ‘todays’ to ‘yesterdays’ so I also apologise for that too.

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19th August Entry:

Today starts at 7.30am when my alarm forces me to wake up. I have only had three and a half hours sleep which I know will not be enough for me to function normally. Proceeding to the shower I notice that I am in a half awake state: my eyes are tightly closed, my body feels like it is dragging around a heavy weight (by this I mean it aches considerably), and my head feels hazy. There is no change in my state by the time I finish in the shower and I have to scrape myself back to my bedroom to get dressed.

In total it takes me two and a half hours to get ready and prepare myself for the day ahead. I do not predict great things due to the fact that motivation, dedication and the ability to function are low.

Despite the fact that I would much prefer to throw myself back under my duvet, 9am calls for me to set off to University (I have planned to go in for an hour this morning before I go to my partner’s house). During the bus journey my stomach growls at me asking for food so I decide that it is wise to make a detour to Morrison’s. Making this detour takes me half an hour in total and I purchase a Muller Rice along with other various groceries.

Arriving at the university campus at 10.15am I lay out my textbooks and continue to read around and make notes on research methodologies. I am fighting a battle with myself and I can feel my body shutting down as I work. Pushing through the exhaustion an hour passes surprisingly quickly and at 11.20am I pack away my belongings. The journey to my partner’s house begins.

I do not have much to report as the day progresses because the exhaustion is overwhelming and I am struggling to concentrate. Lunch has passed and I have had a lie down but now I must get my head around doing some work. I make a cup of tea and prepare my work station.

It is now 4pm; motor wakes up to tell me to get my act together and assures me that I do not have to do lots of work as today was/is meant to be an easy day. Textbooks laid out, notepad open at a fresh sheet of paper and pens at the ready I attempt to make some progress with reading and note making.

3 hours passes by and the clock reaches 7pm. If I am going to be honest with you I have taken it far too easily and little progress has been made. I have been trying to understand qualitative research paradigm and its varying underpinning ontological and epistemological assumptions…extremely confusing. My head hurts, my body is half asleep and I am ready for something to eat; luckily my partner’s dad has nearly finished making pizzas (ham and pineapple for me). I stop working and proceed to the kitchen to set the table and clean up some of the dishes.

Food finished, plates cleaned and a hot drink made, I head back upstairs. My partner has to get back to work (he works from home) so I am left to find something to do until we settle down to watch a film. I feel as exhausted as I did earlier and I am not up to doing any reading. I sit at the desk in a solemn state for half an hour. My partner tells me to perk up a little and makes me aware that he won’t be working too late, which I am happy to hear as I could do with an early night. Despite feeling rather gloomy I pick up the ‘successful qualitative research’ book and begin to read the chapter surrounding the confusing topic I mentioned previously. As I read my head becomes hazy and the differing information is getting muddled up in my mind; I cannot cope with the confusion and I become distressed. Why am I finding it so hard to understand the topic I am reading about? The answer: because I am utterly exhausted and feeling slightly under the weather.

When 11pm arrives my partner and I decide to put an end to the work; we grab a snack and sit down to watch a film.

Today exhaustion lingered and progress was prohibited.

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20th:
I do not think I will post a new blog entry for today because there is very little to report. It was very much the same as yesterday in terms of progress. I have been ill all day and I have only managed to do a couple of hours of reading. Motivation lacked, I was in a dull mood,  I could not concentrate fully and I didn’t note my progress, thoughts and actions as the day progressed.

I go to bed hoping for a better day tomorrow.

 

A day half spent traveling; a day that ends with me feeling both satisfied and slightly disheartened.

19 Aug

(Late post because internet issues)

My alarm rings at 7.30am. I press the snooze button, pull the duvet over my head and lay in bed postponing movement. My alarm rings again alerting me that it is time to scrape myself out of bed. I push the duvet away from me and drag my tired, achy body out of my bed and into the bathroom. I switch on the shower and lean against the bathroom wall until the water reaches a desirable temperature. Desirable temperature reached I throw myself under the shower and sing gently as I was away the tiredness (singing sentences not known by any other member of the human population). Ten minutes or so later I am dressed and ready for the day ahead.

By 8.40am I am making the journey to University which is likely to take me well over an hour. I have never travelled to the main campus before so I might get lost along the way (the university I attend has a smaller campus based in the town that I live in and until now I have not felt the need to travel to the main campus). Why am I making this journey today? The answer: to use the vast amount of textbooks they have on doing research, to look at paper journals on my chosen dissertation topic and to look at previous completed dissertations.

I arrive at the town centre at 9am; I have missed the train that I needed to catch and the next direct train is not until 10:0am so I decide to go to Wilkinson’s and WHSmiths to buy some stationary. I purchase 2 notepads (one A4 and one A5), some Paper Mate® pens, a pencil case and some Sharpie® fine point colourful permanent markers. As I walk to the train station I deliberate what it is I aim to achieve by the end of the day. I know that I want to look at the materials and resources available at the university but I do not know what exactly it is I am wanting to achieve from doing this. I ponder as I sit in the train station.

The train arrives at 10:01am and the main part of the journey begins. Sitting at a seat with a table, I open my laptop and read some of the pdfs I have on research methods but this starts to give me a headache. I stop and think about what tasks to set myself today. The tasks I set are as follows: Task 1: find resources on completing research and make notes on methodology; Task 2: look at previous dissertations and note what kind of things are included (i.e. the sections and order). My tiredness makes me think about the day ahead irrationally and I doubt my ability to make good progress with these today. Motor wakes up and speaks, ‘Come on, there is no need for that. You have motivated yourself to get up and make this journey so now motivate yourself to make the most of your time at the university. You can do this, stop doubting yourself and put that smile on your face’. The gloomy look is removed from my face as I smile.

Arriving at the city at 10:50am I feel overwhelmed and lost. I do not have any idea where I have to go and I am alone. Surely I can make my way to the university site without any issues? Grabbing my phone I google how to get to the university and begin to follow the directions. I will make it to the university without getting lost! As I begin the journey I come across a free city bus which luckily for me goes to the University. My initial worry of getting lost disappears.

Journey complete I enter the University library at 11.10am. Looking around I notice how big the library is in comparison to the one at the campus I attend. This scares me and I panic. How am I going to find anything in here? It is too large, it is a maze. Motor speaks: “Stop with this irrational behaviour! It is not a maze and you are not going to have any problem finding the resources. Just use the library web catalogue to direct you to the resources you are looking for. You will find it is quite easy when you get started. Good luck and be joyful!’ I listen and follow the instruction to use the web catalogue. Locations of books noted I make the journey to collect them.

Collecting the books I want to explore takes me 50 minutes.

 

Sitting down at the table in the quit study area I set myself the task of picking out and noting down the relevant information, reminding myself to make a note of the reference. Textbooks, notepads, sticky labels (to note references) and the varying pens laid out in front of me I begin to complete task one.

As time passes I realise that I need to make an enquiry into whether or not the library keep copies of undergraduate dissertations before the library staff leave. At 1.30pm I stop and make my way to the help desk. Arriving at the desk I notice two women manning the desk who seem to have little knowledge on what is or what is not available (this could be due to the fact that the library is undergoing a refurbishment). I am called forward and I make my enquiry. My initial judgment is eliminated as the woman tries her upright best to help me; she advices me to look at textbooks on dissertation/ research proposal planning and writing as, after much exploration of the online web catalogue, she cannot direct me to any undergraduate dissertations. The fact that they do not keep any copies of undergraduate dissertations leaves me baffled as I am 100% certain I was told by one of my old lecturers that copies are kept at the main campus library. I leave the desk half satisfied and return to my area of study. Work on task 1 continues.

I stop task 1 at 4pm in order to begin the journey home. This early end is due to the fact that the last free city bus is at 4.30pm and I need to make a visit to the self-service machine to borrow some book before then. The journey begins when I have packed up all my belongings and returned some books to the shelves.

Arriving at the train station at 4.40pm I notice that I have 35 minutes to wait until my next train home. I could make use of the 35 minutes by doing some reading or I could procrastinate. Procrastination seems like the best choice but I know that I should read something. Decisions, decisions… I choose to do the latter and before I know it my train home arrives.

A wiser choice is made by my, more determined, self as I make the journey home. The journey time allows for me to read around qualitative research methods which, believe it or not, I have been doing all day. Reading the book proves difficult; in some sense I ignore the information because I do not grasp a substantial understanding of what the author is telling me. I put this down to the mere fact that I have several things stopping me from internalising the information: 1- surrounding noise, 2- my inner motivator is not present, 3- I am feeling lethargic, 4- I do not have the correct work station set up in front of me, and 5- I cannot make any notes, which for me, to allow for some remembrance of the information, is a necessity. I do not know what happens but 20 minutes into the journey motor come alive; I keep reading the chapter ‘carrying out interviews’ despite the fact that I am probably not retaining any of the information. That’s ok though, surely it is better to at least attempt to understand the information than it is to sit here staring out of the window for half an hour.

After a long and boring journey I arrive home at 7pm. I drag myself upstairs and get changed into something comfortable. At 7.30pm I decide to make myself something to eat.

One and a half hours later I am leaned against the fridge waiting for the kettle to boil (I have eaten and washed up; today I made myself a tuna and cheese melt with soup- Yum!). As I stand there staring at the kettle I think about what I have actually achieved so far today. I can tell you one thing I am still none the clearer on what exactly it is I need to know about research methodologies for undergraduate level research. All I can tell myself to do is read and make notes on the topic but is this the best thing to do? I honestly do not know but I will carry on with it and hopefully doing this reading will improve my knowledge on research and research methods. My reflection on the day so far has made me acknowledge the fact that task 2 was impossible to complete; to stop me from becoming upset about the former Motor assures me that it was through no fault of my own and that I did at least attempt to find an example to look at. The sound of the kettle completing its boil snaps me out of my reflective daze and I make myself a hot chocolate.

I take my hot chocolate into the living room and make myself comfortable on the sofa. Notepad open, pens at the ready and research textbooks spread out I continue reading around research methodologies.

11pm calls for me to stop working. It has been a very long day and I it ends with me feeling satisfied with the reading that I have done but disheartened at the fact that I was not able to look at any undergraduate dissertations; Motor tells me not to dwell on the matter.

By 11.30pm I am upstairs. I want to do some more academic reading but Motor shouts at me: ‘Stop! Do not overwork yourself, you can come back to it another day. You have done plenty’.

I end the evening by switching on my TV to watch a film.

Today has been a day half spent traveling; a day that ends with me feeling both satisfied and slightly disheartened.

 

A great end to an unproductive couple of days. Tonight I go to sleep smiling.

14 Aug

Progress came to a halt and motor did not speak to me for two days. This saddened me and as a result I spent many hours staring and procrastinating; staring blankly into the distance, thinking about absolutely nothing of significance, and fulfilling other, more intriguing tasks that do not relate to my dissertation. You will be pleased to know however some of the procrastination hours were spent relaxing with the people I love releasing both joy and ease.

Today I wake at 10.30am and the first thing that springs to mind is that I have to do my supermarket shop. I pull myself out of bed and drag myself to the shower. While I shower Motor, who has been silent as of late, begins to talk to me ‘Today you will take it one step at a time, you will set yourself a goal and achieve it. This will make you feel content and you will go to bed smiling’. This in itself makes me feel positive about the day ahead.

Arriving at the supermarket at 11.30 am I still feel motor pushing me to have a productive day. As I walk around the supermarket I think about the previous two days and as mentioned above they were not productive. Reflecting makes me realise that today has to be successful, I must make some progress and I must allow the worries to escape from me.

Time passes quickly and the journey home begins at 12:50pm. I use the bus journey home to switch off from dissertation related thoughts. Radio on, newspaper in hand, I delve into another world of criminals and celebrities (yes that is all there ever seems to be in modern-day news).

When I arrive home at 1.30pm I dedicate an hour to unpack my shopping and stick up my mid-year annual planner onto my bedroom wall.

2.30pm: it is time to get my head around doing some work towards my dissertation. I am at the planning stage for the research proposal or should I say at the stage of attaining my preliminary idea and its aim and objectives. To do this I have to think of aims and objectives for each idea that I have gathered, as this will eliminate the weaker of the bunch. Motor speaks, ‘set yourself todays tasks and break them down. You should look at Williams’s book (the one mentioned in the previous blog) because she will help you by providing you with workshops to complete’. I set myself three main tasks. Task 1: Complete some of the activities in Williams’s book; Task 2: answer questions from other dissertation prep books; and finally Task 3: create aims and objectives for each idea.

Task 1 begins at 2.50pm. I am working from the kitchen table today because I need to be free from distraction and, yes, this is the only place in my house where there are no distractions that allow for procrastination. Before work begins I walk over to the radio and tune it to a decent station. Back sat down at the table I position my Berol® pens north-east of me in a uniform line and my notepad is directly in front of me. My brain activates.

It is 4pm and I am progressing well; both tasks 1 and 2 have merged together. I have defined the research task and how to do it (this was an activity set on page 3 of Williams’s book) and I have extended this by brainstorming, for each idea, why it is of interest, the implications, who, what and how. A break is needed before I go onto the next activity set in Williams’s book. So far my mood is staying positive and I am even feeling slightly enthusiastic about the future of my dissertation.

A hot chocolate (a caramel flavoured one today) and a slice of toast later the work continues.

I put the cap back onto the blue Berol® pen, sit back in my chair, sigh a little and look at the time on the cooker; it is 6:15pm and I have completed all of the activities in Williams’s book for the initial topic building stage, meaning I have achieved tasks 1 and 2 for today. I spread the 4 sheets of paper out in front of me and I examine the progress I have made. I sit examining these for 10 minutes while I begin to think about task 3. From completing the former tasks I have broken down my ideas but the next challenge is to create aims and objectives for these. Motivation and dedication has somewhat deteriorated so I pull myself away from the work for 5 minutes. Within these 5 minutes I walk around the house and eat strawberries while I listen to Motor. By 6.30pm I am sat back at the table with newly found motivation. Motor made me aware that I have already come a long way today and that the next step is a big one; one that will help me determine my preliminary dissertation idea which will be transformed into a research proposal. The radio is still on and I sing and move along to the current song, ‘It must have been love’ by Roxette, joyfully whilst disregarding the task ahead of me. As the song finishes I transfer my motivation back to task 3 and inner dedication activates.

One and a half hours later and I decide it is time for my evening meal. I make myself honey-soy glazed salmon with salad. My mind sticks with the dissertation preparation throughout the evening meal period and I keep thinking about how I will extend the work that I have completed so far. I try to tell myself to switch of for 10 minutes but task 3 keeps popping into my mind because I have not yet completed it.

9:30pm I have transferred myself to the living room because my parents have gone up to bed and I want to feel a bit more relaxed; oh and, before I forget to mention, the salmon was delicious. Referring back to today’s progress I can tell you that task 3 is still in the process of being completed. Before my evening meal I had gathered 4 aim examples for each idea, so I guess that just leaves me with the task of establishing some objectives for these. I am feeling a tad resilient, I do not have the dedication that I had earlier. But Motor told me that I would feel content if I achieve all my set tasks, hence why I must plough on through. Web browser open I search SMART objectives and open various links to get a deeper understanding of what it is I need to do. Half an hour passes…I still feel confused because my mind will not focus. Motor comes alive by telling me, ‘get a grip; do a brainstorm from the information on the web searches and break it down; look at examples and then use the newly formed knowledge to create your own objectives. Do no worry about them being perfect at this stage. You have plenty of time to alter and improve them’. Responding to motor I pull my collection of colourful Berol® pens out of my pencil-case, lay them out to my left hand side along with my notepad. I begin by going back to the web searches regarding SMART objectives.

11:35pm and I am ready to break of from this objective setting. I cannot do it tonight, my mind has railed away from it and I do not feel dedicated. A brainstorm breaking down the aspects of SMART objectives has been formed and I have explored some examples online; this should prepare me for when I come to set some objectives tomorrow.

The mere fact that I have not completed task 3 does not cause me to worry or feel dissatisfied. Motor reassures me stating, ‘You have spent a good amount of time working on your ideas and you have gathered a better understanding of where you are heading with your dissertation/research proposal. Be pleased with today’s achievements and complete task 3 tomorrow when you feel more awake and able to do so. You have at least researched SMART objectives and this will stand you in good stead when it comes to preparing some of your own tomorrow’.

I will be going to bed free from worry because I know that I have done the best that I can today. I have not spent the full day procrastinating and I have made a decent amount of progress in a relaxed, stress free manner.

Today has given me a sense of direction and I feel positive regardless of the uncompleted task.

Tonight I go to sleep smiling.

Anxious beginnings.

10 Aug

At first the word ‘dissertation’ brings mixed emotions: I panic, I stress, I become anxious and I start to over think the challenge ahead. How do we, as final year undergraduates, deal with our final year research project? Some will take to it like a duck to water but others will hide away.

Sitting there with my pen and paper I begin to think irrationally. Thoughts come and go and ideas are countless; Ideas that are too broad, ideas that are too vast, ideas that are unachievable but never an idea that is of interest and feasible. Throwing my notepad to one side I begin to procrastinate. The channel 4 documentary seems a lot more appealing. I think to myself ‘No, no, no! Procrastinating at this stage is not a good sign. Stop. Think about this, motivate yourself, giving up at the first challenge is not the way forward’. I leave the TV on and place the notepad on my lap, looking and feeling solemn, I pick my pen up and begin to break down my thoughts. Half an hour passes and the page in front of me is still blank. Ok, so I am getting no where. Should I call it a day or should I brainstorm everything that comes to mind? I answer the former by beginning to jot down every thought that flashes above my eyes. Every thought is an image: an image involving words, thought bubbles, and either a big tick or cross saying yes or no to an idea. I stop, it has been an hour since I began to write my thoughts down, and I notice the A4 page in front of me is full of randomized words and doodles (some erased by the overuse of a pen scribble). Is this called progress or is it a failing? Quite evidently this is progress. Getting my thoughts down is the start, it has allowed me to reduce my anxieties and worries. It has allowed me to create a set of ideas to choose from.
Is this the start of something emotionally challenging but incredibly rewarding?