A day fighting a lost battle with my emotions.

17 Aug

Motivation lacks today. I do not feel like doing any work when I wake up and I waste the majority of my morning procrastinating.

As time passes I begin to think about the time I am wasting and Motor tells me ‘go and get a shower, freshen yourself up and do some work, even if it is only a small amount, at least it is something towards your dissertation’. I respond by dragging my sorrow self to the shower.

Shower complete I sit on my bed contemplating what to do with the rest of my day. It is now 3.30pm and I am sat waiting for a phone call…

Phone call over I make the decision to move downstairs to the kitchen table. It is 4.30pm by the time I am sat with my laptop open ready to set myself today’s task. I deliberate what to do and come to the conclusion that I am not up to doing a lot of work today. My mind is not 100% committed and I know that I will not produce work that is of quality when I feel the way I do right now. Who knows, I might feel more energised and dedicated later but for now I am not going to overwhelm myself with heaps of work. I set myself one main task: think about what research methods are to be used to complete project, in doing this weigh up the pro’s and con’s for all methods (make a note of these).

To start I decide to browse the resources available to me on research methods and methodology to give myself a better understanding. I lift my head away from the laptop and as I look across the kitchen I catch a glimpse of the hot chocolate pouch sat on the worktop. I pull myself out of my chair, walk over to the kettle, flick the switch and pour the hot chocolate powder into my favourite owl mug. As I wait for the kettle to do its job I walk over to the radio and tune it into the station that I like to listen to while I work; I also pop a slice of bread into the toaster.

Hot chocolate and toast made I sit back at the table with a word document open on my laptop. I also place my notepad open to a blank sheet and my Berol® pens to the right hand side of me. Textbooks, web searches and pdfs at the ready, work begins.

Time for a hot chocolate!

Time for a hot chocolate!

I find that I have not completed much work by 6pm but this does not deteriorate me from continuing with the task at hand. I look at the page in front of me and notice that I have created a brainstorm stating key facts about research and what research methodology is, along with a list of primary research methods that can be used. I have a cloud over my head today and everything seems like a bit of a blur in my mind; I cannot get to grips with what it is I am wanting to achieve by the end of the day and I do not feel committed to the task at hand. I feel saddened but I continue regardless.

By 7.15pm I have not made much more progress. I have only noted information regarding questionnaires and the advantages and disadvantages of using them. Why is it taking me so long to get this task done? The answer: because I am not fully committed to doing it, I am finding that it is boring and I am tired.

I leave the kitchen table and walk upstairs. I lie down on my bed and think about how I could make this task more interesting. I feel myself drifting off but Motor shouts at me ‘Do not nap! It will make you feel worse and you will not make any more progress today. You will go into a mood and this will ruin the rest of your evening. Wake yourself up. Have 5 minutes away from the laptop but do not go to sleep’. In response I walk downstairs glumly and sit on the sofa.

5 minutes later, I move myself to the kitchen. My eyes feel heavy and I do not feel able to do this work but I must continue. I am fighting a hard battle.

The clock reaches 8.15pm and I make the choice to stop to make some food. As I progress to make food I feel angered at the little progress I have made so far today and I feel myself becoming teary. Why am I getting like this? This is me being irrational. It is ok to have days like this isn’t it? Motor answers, ‘Yes, you can have days where you take it easy and do less; you will have days where you feel like you are battling against yourself, and you will overcome those days. It is all part of the journey’. I stop myself from becoming an emotional wreck by telling myself to be rational. The fact of the matter is I can always come back to this after I have eaten. The day has not ended yet and even if I do not finish this task today I can come back to it when I feel more willing and able to do so. I knock the sadness out of me as I make something to eat.

At 9.30pm I finish eating and go to the kitchen to clean my plates. As I do this Motor stands by my side making me aware that I can complete the task set today and that I will feel content when I have finished. I listen and relocate my, more joyful, self to the living room. As you may have guessed I am slightly more positive and ready to complete the task set today. I open my notepad up to the pre-prepared pages and challenge myself to finish identifying the pros and cons of all the possible primary research methods.

With Motors reassurance along the way I complete the task by 11.30pm. I sit and look through the work I have completed; there are 6 pages of notes on the varying research methods identifying the pros and cons of each. I can tell you one thing: that task was a long, dull and boring one but one that will come in use when I decide on my research methodology.

Today has shown me that at times through this dissertation journey I will come across difficulties, boring tasks and times of sheer dismay. But surely overcoming these through pure dedication and commitment will only lead to success?

I close all my web searches, pdfs, textbooks and notepad and put an end to today. As I go to bed I feel glum and reflect on the day I have had. Motor assures me that I have made progress and tells me that I should not feel so downbeat about the day I have had.

I give motor a half-hearted smile and go to bed.

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